i’ve decided to show up
a long stint of ////not much, if at all////
a random line
from a random thought
그냥뭐
just what i had
very few thoughts actually
but head still very much full
to bursting??
in 2019 ((maybe even earlier)) i put down my pen. not intentionally i just think in 2019 i was too uninspired and burned out and then in 2020 i was too anxious and burned out to write. i felt like i had nothing to say, or that the things i had to say were tiny. for me, a large part of writing involves reading, and i couldn’t do that either. i tried reading severance by Ling Ma but couldn't finish, i tried reading america, mine by Sasha Banks but couldn't finish, i tried reading wild peach by S*an D. Henry-Smith, but couldn't finish. i read most of all of these, but couldn't focus enough to finish. and the frustration of that felt endless. compounding on all of the other endless frustrations of—everything.
above, a visual representation of approaching the page, and post-approach stuck just far enough away
i tried to pour myself into other activities as far removed from writing as i could bear. instead of poems, i made outfits out of all the clothes i hadn’t gotten the chance to wear. i showed up online because i couldn’t in person. i thought if i found a different creative outlet, my brain would allow me to write again. there was still a nagging in my head—a voice demanding that I write but never telling me what. a feeling like my life wouldn’t go anywhere otherwise, persists.
//a list of personally unsuccessful writing methods:
1. apply to fellowships ((rejected, a finalist of one, not to be confused with a recipient))
2. apply to residencies ((rejected))
3. consider a phD ((considered lying down instead))
4. teaching? ((?????))
5. cbd? ((yes, but it didn’t help me write))
((my most dramatic notes app poem draft))
at some point i tried to write whatever, whenever it came up. not towards a second book, or even towards a complete poem. just showing up.
i wish i was out of the woods
i’m still very much stuck
maybe if i buy a new notebook…
